I’m not gonna lie guys, I’m a bit hungover from last night’s stream of The Game Awards. I went through a whole 6 pack of Black Cherry White Claws and I can feel my brain screaming “what the fuck were you thinking!” But alas, we carry on…
Happy Fri-yay you filthy animals! It’s the holiday season so let’s get HYPE for this weekend with some gaming news and “Cash Shit” by Megan Thee Stallion ft DaBaby. What better way to celebrate the season than with lines like “he say he hungry, this pussy the kitchen” or “I be fixing the weed while she sucking my dick, pull it out then I tittyfuck”? Put’s me right in a festive ass mood.
Hahaha let’s dive into the news, starting with the biggest announcement at The Game Awards last night:
Project Scarlett is actually just an Xbox gaming PC
Tell me that doesn’t look like a gaming PC. I mean, that is 100% just a gaming PC with an Xbox power button on it lol. For the record, I have no problem with the design. In fact, I think it’ll look pretty sleek on your TV stand (at least way sleeker than the stupid fucking V-shaped PS5).
I am also a bit confused though why Microsoft insists on making the most inconsistent fucking console names in the world. We went from Xbox, to Xbox 360, to Xbox One, to Xbox One X, and now we have Xbox Series X. Honestly, why don’t you just call them their project names? I think Project Scorpio, Project Anaconda, Project Lockheart, and Project Scarlett have all sounded pretty badass. They’re not the only ones; just look at Nintendo’s lineup. But do you want to be labeled as “weird” like Nintendo, Phil? Just a thought.
While this reveal was pretty cool, my jaw literally hit the floor with the below announcement (trailer starts at 1:37)
HELLBLADE II BABY! Oh my god when Senua hit that first line, I shuddered. I had nightmares about this trailer. If you haven’t played the first Hellblade, you need to TODAY. It’s fucking incredible. And, if you own the Game Pass, it’s on there. Try it out, and you’ll see why I freaked the fuck out on stream last night.
Is this the worst World Premiere of all time?
We go from the best trailer of the night to the fucking worst teaser/trailer I think I’ve ever seen. What is this? What is this game? Why are we just watching 20 seconds of rain and lightning? Is the point of the teaser to show off the weather effect? Is that supposed to be something we see in-game or just a cool trailer visual? WE HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE THIS TRAILER SUCKED.
I think they’re trying to hype up the game solely on PlayerUnknown’s name, which yea I guess is an OK tactic, but no one is going to remember anything about this teaser in a week because it left no impact.
Enough with the announcements, let’s get to the awards…
I need to start with this: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU DEATH STRANDING HARDOS AND HATERS GOT PUNKED!
I’ve said it a million times this year, the best two games I’ve played this year are the Resident Evil 2 Remake and Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. So I was pretty glad that Sekirio walked away with the biggest award of the night. The rest of the night was pretty “chalk” (i.e. my predictions were mostly correct). There were a few surprises though.
First, I would have bet all my money that Ewok would win Content Creator of the Year. Not because I think she has the best content; Shroud definitely has better content and the award is well deserved. But I thought she would have been a lock for the award because of what she makes despite the challenges of being deaf.
Second, I was pretty shocked that Disco Elysium took home most of the indie awards. And I’m not saying that as a bad thing; I actually said that DE should win Best Narrative a few weeks ago and I think any of the Indie of the Year nominees could have gone home with the award. Speaking of the Indie of the Year award, I didn’t like that they just casually stated that DE won instead of a full-on presentation for Indie of the Year. That would be my only complaint about the whole show. But I did love how Reggie (former head of Nintendo) talked about how indie games are what pushes the industry forward. Very cool moment.
The last thing that surprised me was that the Resident Evil 2 Remake took home 0 awards. Is it because it’s a remake? Is that why the jury didn’t give it anything? Maybe they should make a separate category for remakes and remasters like someone else is doing this year. That would be really smart.
In other news, MLB The Show is going cross-platform
This was announced earlier this week. I’m not a big sports gamer anymore and I have never liked baseball, so I didn’t talk about it much. But I do know that many fans are excited about this move from Sony. I’m more interested in the bigger picture aspect of this announcement. MLB The Show has been a Sony exclusive for a very long time, and for it to suddenly appear on an Xbox console is so fucking huge. It’s not as big as say Halo going to PlayStation or God of War being on Xbox, but it’s a step toward that. Who knows, maybe we won’t have console exclusives for much longer.
Well, except Nintendo because they’re just weird. (again, Phil, do you want to be in this grouping?)
And lastly, y’all watch some weird shit on…
Disclaimer: I learned about all of this from Alanah Pearce, but holy fuck some of y’all are some sick bastards.
Every single one of these makes sense except Pokemon and MINECRAFT. What in the shitting anus is that shit? Who in the fuck is sexually attracted to anything in Minecraft? What does it even look like…*searches “minecraft”*…MY EYES, MY EYES!
Super Mario. PIKACHU. Bowser. I don’t know what to say about that.
…Family Guy?…Simpsons?…Rick and Morty?…American Dad?… I really hope Big Mouth isn’t the kids…and Scooby-Doo better be 100% Daphne and Velma and 0% dog…
Guys, real-life human beings already do some really weird and messed up shit for porn, but this might be even more disturbing. Seek help.
Two quick things to say before I lose your attention.
First, starting next Monday, I am going to play through Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice on stream from beginning to end. I’ve already played through the game, but I want to give you guys a chance to watch the GOTY from start to end. I think I’m gonna make that an annual thing.