As I do with every month, here’s my kneejerk opinion on the films coming out this June:

X-Men: Dark Phoenix

Can I start by saying how much I hate movie trailers nowadays? Like I don’t need to see the first 90 minutes of the film now because I already know everything that happens! Stop making in-depth very obvious film trailers. This is 20th Century Fox’s last X-Men film and it’s going out exactly how it ended back in 2007, with Jean Grey going psycho-bitch. Except this time we get to see her portrayed by psycho-cunt Sansa Stark. Honestly, I’m not sure Sophie Turner (Jonas?) is ready for this role yet. I think she has the potential to be a great actress, and she grew up a ton on Game of Thrones, but can she accurately portray such a complex character? We’ll see. I will miss James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender in these films though. X-Men First Class is the standard that the MCU will have to beat in order to reinvigorate fans back to this well traveled franchise.

The Secret Life of Pets 2

I saw this film trailer in theaters for Avengers: Endgame and the first words out of my mouth were “what? Why the fuck would they make another one of these?” I’ll give it to them, there are moments of the first movie that were funny. But there was no need to make a whole 2nd film. How many more times do we have to see that poodle headbang? I laughed once, you can’t make me laugh at it again. I just can’t imagine it’s going to be that good. So unless you’re being dragged to the theater by your wife and child, stay the fuck away.

Men in Black: International

So Thor and Valkyrie are teaming up in suits against aliens. That’s what everyone’s thinking too? Good, glad we’re all on the same page. This movie looks very “meh”. I mean, most of the charisma behind Men In Black has to do with Will Smith, and even with the wit and humor of Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth, I’m not sure they’ll be able to live up to his comedic humor. But maybe we’ll get to see some cool aliens and some cool alien weapons, cause other than Will Smith’s humor, that’s all that Men In Black has to offer.

Shaft

This movie looks hilarious. For those who may not know, Shaft has already had two other film releases, one starring Samuel Jackson in 2000, and one starring Richard Roundtree in 1971. I think bringing both actors back to mentor a 3rd generation “Shaft” is awesome, and if this movie isn’t perfect for Samuel Jackson I don’t know what is. Its raunchy, its violent, its funny, and there’s lots of opportunities for him to go on Pulp Fiction type rants. It’s the perfect role and I think its gonna be a hidden gem in theaters this June.

The Dead Don’t Die

I’m convinced there’s only two ways to make zombie films: serious horror film like Dawn of the Dead and World War Z, or funny action comedy like Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland. And for a zombie action comedy, you can’t really go wrong with Bill (fucking) Murray and Adam Driver as your leads. The director, Jim Jarmusch, has a very unique style to his films; slow paced with dry humor, which is a good match for both Bill and Adam. Also he somehow tricked Selena Gomez into making movies again, and BOING!!!! I’m very intrigued to see how the reception to this film plays out, but it looks like a winner.

Toy Story 4

Ok can we all admit Forky looks stupid as fuck? Like what are they trying to do, come up with a metaphor for inclusion or something? Dear god Disney please don’t go political with our childhood memories too. As much as I want to hate this clear money grab, I can’t help but laugh at some of the moments. Especially the stuffed animals, voiced by Key and Peele. They are fucking hilarious. If those characters aren’t in at least 75% of the film, imma riot. I think I’ll go see it though, and hopefully not get disappointed by all the Forky shit. Goddammit I’m mad again. Fucking Forky fuckwad.

Child’s Play

I didn’t really like all the Chucky movies growing up because I thought they were stupid. 1) a murdered transferred his soul into a toy? In a horror movie? AND he’s the villain? Get the fuck outta here. 2) He’s a doll. There’s nothing scary or intimidating about a damn doll (ok that’s a lie, see below). But this little toy doll is gonna run around and kill a bunch of people using stealth and homemade execution devices? I just don’t get it. It does look gory, it has Mark Hamill as the voice of Chucky (which I like), and don’t get me started on absolute smoke show Aubrey Plaza (again, BOIINGGGG). I mean she could do horrible immoral things to me and I’d still go after her. Eh, maybe it’ll actually be worth seeing.

Annabelle Comes Home

Ok, fuuuuuuuuuuuck this shit. And in a good way. I didn’t like either of the previous Annabelle entries, but this looks great. The Warren family room of horrors has been central to the Conjuring universe, and to now have Annabelle free to control everything in the room? I’ve already shit myself. Also, how many spinoffs are we gonna have before we get another actual entry into the series? There’s been 4 spinoff films and only 2 Conjuring films. Something ain’t right here. All the little girls at slumber parties need to watch this film to learn not to sneak into rooms they aren’t supposed to. I would have never lost my friendship with my childhood friend Andrew if his sister hadn’t snuck into my room to make out…ok maybe I snuck into her room but come on man I was 14 and had/have needs.

Yesterday

I’m excited about this movie, mainly because I have no idea how it’ll end. Yes, the trailer gives a ton away like I mentioned earlier. But with such an original storyline, I’m expecting a huge twist towards the end. Could be worth a Oscar nod if it goes well. And The Beatles music has kinda grown on me over the last year as well, so I’m excited to hear more of their work. This is my personal must-see of June. You may not like musicals, you may not like Oscar bait films, but I really think you’ll like Yesterday. (Universal Studios, send the check).

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