Yes, the biggest deal of this weekend is Avengers: Endgame. I saw it last night, and let me tell ya, it didn’t fucking disappoint. I will probably see it at least twice more in theaters, and enjoy it just as much as my first watch.

But today is also the last Friday of April, which means it’s time to preview the films of May. This is gonna be the biggest preview I’ve done so far because, I mean look at all the blockbusters. I’m gonna be in the theater almost every weekend. Let’s dive right in:

Long Shot (May 3rd)

I’m a big Seth Rogan fan, but I don’t know what the fuck he is doing here. Is he poor? Does he just need money? Because he deserves better than this shitty romcom. I mean Charlize Theron is hot and yea she can do comedy too, but this movie looks like shit. It’s cheesy, the premise is horrible, and the director hasn’t made a good movie since 50/50, which also starred Seth Rogan and actually scarred me about being put under at the doctors office. Like what if you don’t wake up? No Mom, I don’t care that it’s just my wisdom teeth, what if I don’t wake up?? *sobs to medically induced sleep*

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile (May 3rd)

Zac Efron is more than just a pretty face who used to star on Disney Channel. He’s more than a six pack in a red bathing suit running down a beach in slow motion. Ted Bundy is one of the most disgusting human beings that has ever walked this planet and Zac Efron is an excellent talent for the role. It’s not going to be a pretty movie. In fact, it’s going to make you sick to your stomach. But that’s what a movie about one of America’s most vile serial killers should do to you. I remember watching Abducted in Plain Sight earlier this year and it made me quiver with rage at those dumbass parents. Or what about Spotlight from a few years ago? Anyone wanna burn down a Catholic Church? I’m fully expecting to be triggered by this biopic.

Pokemon Detective Pikachu (May 10th)

I have extremely mixed feelings about this film. On one hand, its a live action Pokemon film and all the different breeds look awesome and funny. On the other hand, it’s a PG Ryan Reynolds film. This isn’t Deadpool guys. We aren’t going to see crazy wacky violence and random crude jokes. We’re gonna see a kids movie. I’m not sure it will be any good, and most likely it won’t since no one else in this film is famous and the director hasn’t made a single good film. Just look forward to the goofy Pokemon folks. And wait until it comes out on Redbox.

The Hustle (May 10th)

Why am I including this in my preview? Because I need to get on my soap box and say a few things. First, Anne Hathaway deserves more. I don’t know what she did in Hollywood to deserve this fate, but I still remember earlier this decade when she had incredible roles in Les Miserables, The Dark Knight Rises, and Interstellar. Go back to that Anne, we loved it. Second, Rebel Wilson isn’t funny. I don’t care what anyone says, she’s just not funny. Both her and Amy Schumer rely way too much on a stereotype of being “unattractive, rude, and fat” for their humor. It was funny once, with Pitch Perfect and Trainwreck. Now? It’s just old. And if you find that offensive, you’re part of the problem. It’s not about being inclusive, its about making a good movie and actually being funny. This movie is garbage.

Tolkien (May 10th)

Eh? That’s about all I feel about this film. Its a biopic, its about the author of on of the best fantasy universes of all time, and it’s got a mediocre cast with a no name director. Hell, even the writers haven’t written anything noteworthy before this film. Tolkien has all the look and feel of an Oscar bait film, but released in May. It’s most likely just going to be an average biopic and it’s unfortunate, because J.R.R. Tolkien deserves better.

John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum (May 17th)

I loved the first movie. It was nice to see Keanu Reeves back in his Matrix style character beating the fuck out of anything. For some reason, John Wick 2 didn’t stick well for me. Maybe it was because the story behind all the awesome action sequences was so weak, maybe it’s because we’ve seen much of the same before. I mean I love seeing a hallway fight seen just as much as anyone, but unless you’re doing something very original, I’m over it by now. This entry will hopefully be the last and go out with a bang, but I personally will be waiting for it to come out on Redbox or Netflix.

Aladdin (May 24th)

Ugh, there’s nothing worse than Blue Will Smith. I’m nervous excited about this movie. I loved Aladdin as a kid and believe me, 95% of that is because Jasmine is the hottest Disney princess, and it ain’t even close. I mean COME ON. What pre-pubescent boy could resist this? I think there’s only two ways this plays out. If they figure out how to bring all the wacky Genie moments to the big screen and live action, Will Smith has the comedic performance of a lifetime, the songs are well done, and they don’t try to make some political statement about being rich or poor, the movie will be a hit. But if Will Smith’s performance is too cheesy, they cut too many songs, and the film overall is just a bland journey through the story, it’ll be the disappointment I’m expecting it to be.

Brightburn (May 24th)

Bravo, James Gunn. What an awesome concept. What if Superman wasn’t good? What if instead he was something horrific? This type of “superhero horror” is an unexplored concept that I’m very excited to see. Because let’s be honest, Superman sucks. He’s too overpowered, he’s too “goody twoshoes”, and his only weakness is rocks from his home planet. Make him an evil child that’s gonna mess up a small town in Kansas and now you’ve got my attention. Kal-El? More like Kil-All? Amiright? (wat the fuc am i really that fucking cheesy now…maybe i should be playing genie)

Godzilla: King of Monsters (May 31st)

My little brother was the biggest Godzilla fan on the planet when we were young. He used to watch Destroy All Monsters (1968) over and over again as a child, so I’m very familiar with the Toho universe. While I was a big fan of the newest Godzilla remake, it was missing all the iconic kaiju monsters from the Japanese series. Well, we got em now baby. We got Rodan, Mothra, King Ghidora, and we’ve got 5 more brand new monsters for this film. Throw in Coach Taylor, Lorraine Warren, and Eleven as the human stars and we’ve got a must see blockbuster. You have to see this movie in theaters. I’ll actually give my own personal guarantee that this movie will be incredible. It’s my “must-see” movie of May.

Rocketman (May 31st)

Oh a movie about Elton John? Pass. Oh Taron Egerton is starring? I’m in. Yes he’s had a rather up and down career, and really the Kingsman films are the only good movies he’s been a part of, but I think this is the role that gets him back on track. He’s a young actor with a ton of potential, and he’s going to have plenty of opportunities to show it in Rocketman. Elton John himself said that he’s never heard anyone sing his songs better than Taron. It won’t be for everyone, but if you enjoyed Bohemian Rhapsody and The Dirt and want to keep riding the musical biopic high, Rocketman is for you.


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