YAWWNNNNNNNNNNN.

That’s what the month of July has been. In fact, nothing of significance in the gaming industry has released with a higher Metacritic score than 8. Everything’s been just mediocre. But here’s the good news, August is when everything is beginning to pick back up. But before we get back into gaming, let’s take a look at what August has to offer for movie theater goers:

Hobbs & Shaw (Aug 2nd)

Allow me to continue with my mood for most of July: YAWWWNNNNNNNNN. It’s the Rock, it’s Jason Statham, it’s an action flick. For those of us with a logical brain, these movies make zero sense. I mean, why the fuck would you spend all movie fighting a supervillain with guns and cars just to go to Samoa and take off all your body armor to get in a fist fight? Answer: you wouldn’t. But let’s be honest, they’re not supposed to make sense. They’re supposed to be a testosterone orgy of flashy cars, big guns, shirtless muscular men, and tons of choreographed fights all brought to the big screen for the sole purpose of turning your girl on. So appreciate it for what it is, turn off your brain (aka drink copious amounts of liquor), and enjoy.

Dora and the Lost City of Gold (Aug 9th)

Speaking of copious amounts of liquor, I would probably have to black out to enjoy this film. I get it, Dora is a huge brand that has never had a big screen adaptation. And for kids younger than 14, this probably looks like an awesome movie. I just won’t be a part of the crowd of tweens, and poor unfortunate parents that have to sit through this cheesy snore fest. Here’s hoping there’s enough tongue in cheek jokes to keep them entertained. Either that, or their kids are distracted enough that they can explore each others’ cheeks with their tongues. (oh my gosh that was so bad I have been out of the blogging game for too long)

Light of My Life (Aug 9th)

I guarantee you’ve never heard of this film until now, but I think you should. The premise is simple: the world is infected by a plague that wipes out most of the female population, and Casey Affleck is doing everything to protect and hide his daughter. My mind immediately goes to The Last of Us when I watch this trailer, and it’s not only led by Casey, he’s also the director. Also, Elizabeth Moss will have a role in the film, and she is fucking incredible (I honestly think her character in Us was scarier that Lupita’s). It’ll be a slow burn indie that probably won’t be for everyone, but I am very interested.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (Aug 9th)

Unpopular opinion: I really don’t think Guillermo del Toro is that great in the horror genre. All his horror films end up as mediocre memories in my mind. The good news though is even though his name is being heavily promoted for the film, he’s not the director. Instead, Norwegian director Andre Ovredal is at the helm for this adaptation of the popular children’s series, and he’s very very good at horror. The premise looks great, the kid actors are all unknowns so there’s some risk there but overall this looks like a well polished summer horror film. So I fully expect to shit my pants, which makes it a must see in August for me.

The Peanut Butter Falcon (Aug 9th)

It’s 2019 and I’m still in love with anything Shia LaBeouf touches. He is one of the most underappreciated actors of our generation, which I get is probably well deserved because he’s weird as fuck in real life, but he consistently pours 200% into every role he has. Recently he’s gone the full indie route, with American Honey, Borg v McEnroe, and now The Peanut Butter Falcon. Also, he’s paired with one of the hottest girls in recent memory: Dakota Johnson. Here’s hoping she flashed that beautiful ass while they go on a road/boat trip to pro-wrestling camp. It’s probably a good date movie if you want to surprise your date with an actually fun drama film.

Good Boys (Aug 16th)

This is my must see film of August. I think it was originally supposed to be released earlier this summer because I saw a trailer in March for it and immediately texted my friends from high school saying we needed to see it. It’s right up our alley. Not sold? Ok let me give you the rundown: the director is one of the writers for The Office between Seasons 2-6 (you know, when it was peaking). Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg are producing the film, which means there will be a ton of Superbad vibes in the film. The leading kid (middle) has been nominated for multiple acting awards and he’s only 12. This is going to be a good movie. Grab your bros, fuck the hoes, and see Good Boys on August 16th.

Ready or Not (Aug 21st)

I don’t know who’s marketing this movie, but damn this needs some more attention. This looks hilarious. Back in 2013, a film by the name of You’re Next shook up the horror genre by creating a film that equally funny as it was scary. And I emphasize this because no one to date in my opinion had created a film with a good balance between the two genres; ether the film was 90% horror and the comedy stood out like a sore thumb, or the film was 90% comedy and no one took the horror seriously. If you hadn’t been told You’re Next was a black comedy film, you never would have known. It was that good. Ready or Not looks like it’s taking the same approach but making the characters just a bit more obvious. Between this and Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, we’re set for a great month for horror fans.

Playmobil: The Movie (Aug

I cannot believe this is a movie. It’s a knockoff movie based on a knockoff product. It’s like the Fortnite of animated movies, except shittier because they don’t have access to all the licenses that LEGO does. I don’t know a single person who played with Playmobil toys instead of LEGOs. In fact, I didn’t even know Playmobil was a toy at that age. What con man convinced this French studio to spend 75 million dollars making this film? That’s the biggest waste of money I’ve seen since Rebel Wilson’s paycheck for any movie she’s ever made. Do yourself a favor: if you’re wife/girlfriend/sig-oth says she wants to see this movie, put a bullet in you head. It’ll be more entertaining.

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